The Fatwamen's Schindler's LIst

Along with Yoga, I'd recommend fatwamen to fatwa the following activities and products on the grounds that they contain non-Islamic elements and go against the teachings of Islam. They should be replaced by alternative activities to reflect Islam's purity.

No swimming please, we're Muslims

Swimming. Swimsuits are tight-fitting and show off the human figure which might cause girls who look like boys to rape boys who look like girls. Mahathir who does not swim is not affected. In contrast, Mao Tse Tung used to swim in his knickers in the Yangtze river in the depth of winter for his morning dip. Our swimming team must instead be covered up from head to toe in a cylindrical-shaped costume to hide the figure and reduce water resistance. If the OCM does not approve, ban OCM for meddling in Islamic matters. To discourage swimming which as a sports has pagan roots and therefore can cause Muslims to deviate from their faith, also ban swimming pools because Muslims who visit them are not sincere. They go there not to swim but to ogle at foreigners. If these foreigners are deemed to cause Muslims to stray from the straight and narrow, ban the foreigners also. As an alternative, I'd recommend we build a Muslim-friendly swimming pool. Failing which ban swimming and swimming pools totalitarianly because the Hadith and Quran do not say a single word about swimming therefore it is alien to Islam. Traditionally, among Muslim Malays, only naughty children who disobey their parents can be seen swimming in the river or monsoon drain. No adult Malay who still has his marbles about him will ever venture out into waters deeper than his navel. The moment he reaches navel level he'd lower his body like a humongous hippo to hide his shame and fear (huh?). Then he'd flop about and flail his arms not to mimic the motions of swimming but to go through the motions of bathing. Yes, we Malays don't swim, we bathe, in the river.

Boycott all products made by kafirs

All products made by kafirs are financed by loans with interest, riba. Thus the two are intertwined and should therefore be deemed haram by association. Another good reason to ban kafir-made products is that kafirs eat pork. From the haram meat of the pork they draw their sustenance, energy and intelligence to do work which goes into the making of the products. Therefore the products are derived from pigs which are haram.

And what are some examples of the kafir products that we should ban?

1. The material to make tudung is called polyester/nylon/terylene/PTTPE which to my cerebellum do not sound Arabic at all and therefore safe to conclude is non-Islamic.

2. Names of cigarettes like Marlboro, Dunhill, Benson & Hedges also do not have that sonorous Islamic ululation like the azan and should therefore be banned. It is alright if we repackage them using an Islamic sounding name like Zaitun and encourage smoking by tagging it with a chirpy slogan like, "Hisaplah rokok Islam tanpa was-was," the way we have repackaged St John Ambulance and the Red Crescent to Bulan Sabit Merah which to me sounds more like the name of an associate of Awang Sulong Merah Muda. The day they make this cigarettal Islamover, that would be the day they make Islam pure and complete if not hell.

3. All the materials to make a mosque - the bricks, the cement, the wiring, the ICI paint, must not be sourced from kafir sources. Instead, Muslims must first build their own factories using pure Islamic machinery sourced from the deserts of Saudi Arabia whose spanking airport at Jeddah was built with American and Korean - kafir - finance - riba - and expertise - porcine-sourced.

4. Tear off the non-Islamic brand names of The PA sound system used in mosques such as Sony, Sennheiser and Onkyo, and replace them with Islamic names like Soh, Braheng and Stopa. And as for the Chinese sub-contractor who installs the fittings, install a Malay datuk as a front or sleeping partner to make it look Islamic. Feed him off to sleep with a fat payoff. There, all the Islamic work done for the day!

5. But wait! What about the Mercedes or Volvo the head of the fatwamen is driven in to the meeting at which all the above products and activities are to be banned? Same methodology and theology - tear off the three star and V icon and replace it with a framed name of Muhammad (pbuh) and Allah (tam) which can be bought at any pasar malam stall whose owner bought it from a frame-maker who sourced his materials from a Chinaman! Forget about status symbols, even representations (a stylized writing is a representation of the thing it refers to no different from an image drawn, photoshopped or reflected in the mirror or on the surface of the water) of our prophet and god are made in China, land of kafirs despite the 60 millions of Muslims who live there, and by kafirs despite the fact even kafirs are also made by the Muslim god which presumably must be the same god of the kafirs since there is only one of him!
Savor the convoluted sentence! I purposely contort it to reflect the sinuous maze fatwamen set as a course for themselves to work through in order to justify their sinecures, or as one visitor to this blog puts it, "got all their panties/underwear in a twist ... "

Ban golf and five-star hotels

After all our prophet didn't play golf and what is so Islamic about golf anyway that drives droves of Muslim datuks to drive a ball and a buggy down its drive? Golf is a western conspiracy and plot to tempt Muslims to deviate from their faith and praise western imperialism. I'm sure the impossible to pronounce let alone remember name of the president of the Iranian Republic will agree with me even though I'm a Sunni and he's a Syi'ah whatever split heirs (pun intended) the two denominations differ on.

And as for five-star hotels, there is not an iota (thank you tzarina for this new word to my vocab, though I'd have preferrred shred) of Islam within its beeholes bar the kaabah-pointing arrow on the ceiling above the beds on which courting couples, er, court, but which the Muslim staff has a 24-hour watch on goings-on and exposed human tissue which could get the underwear of fatwamen into another twist to come up with the next fatwa issue. The new issue could well read: We hereby declare that it is not haram for Muslims to work in five-star hotels, ogle at bare skins, serve alcoholic drinks and mix freely with kafirs as this will not detract them from their faith.

The other day I went a-gallivanting, quixotically too as is my wont, into a blog where a pen of young Hindraf sympathizers flock and bleated a word or two that ran counter to its customary sentiments and as expected I got the flak perhaps partly based on my non-Hindraf-sympathetic sounding name - which I never hide behind a pseudo name - in the form of being alluded to as an ignoramus who did not know an iota of what human rights are all about, ceterus paribus.

One of them with bright lively eyes bore down into my stereotypicalized name and bowled down the high bridge of her nose with this standard liner: "Get real." { WIRED }: Finally, a pic which truly said all..

I suppose I could do worse than to borrow her thunder and apply it to the fatwamen. Btw, that last word is not supposed to resonate with "fat women."